A New Beginning

Like I mentioned in the earlier blog entry (yes this time I remember), I am having something of an early mid life crisis or maybe I just want to find a fancy name for it. I have found myself in this thing for quite some time now, I even started using it as a comfortable excuse for being a complete ass.

But today, I decided that things have to change. For the longest time, I have been plagued by the gnawing feeling of not belonging anywhere. I am studying literature yet somehow I don't feel like this is where I am supposed to be, I almost went to med school and that din't work out too well either. Sometimes, my life just feels like a series of desperate attempts to belong somewhere. And in this desperation, I tend to forget the simple things, I don't feel the joy anymore.

So, the self loathing and hatred have to go away. I have to start looking at things in the right perspective. Everytime I find myself clueless in a conversation doesn't have to be a comment on my lack of knowledge. Instead, it could be an opportunity to learn.

Everyday from now on, I will write about one thing I learnt today. It can be just about anything- the biography of Ingmar Bergman or the mundane fact that the famous sizzlers of Gola are not great after all.

It seems like the perfect day to start because we brought the tiniest kitten anyone has ever seen home today. She is adorable and we have called her Ninya. It's a good day to start afresh, isn't it?

So, for more than a year now I had blissfully forgotten about the existence of this blog. My first and only post on this blog was like a forgettable one night stand- I must have had a bad day and well, I fell for the huge cliche that writing could somehow act as a vent and make me feel better. Was I mistaken? I cant say. After all, not all cliches are misplaced. Come to think of it, they were cemented as cliches due to a reason.

But that's besides the point. Which brings us to the central question- Is there a point to this after all? Again, I can't say. The last post wasn't exactly cheerful but at least knew what I wanted to do in life, or I thought I did. I had a plan or again, maybe I was just trying to fool myself into believing that I did. As things would turn out, the plan worked out but now I realise that I never thought beyond that. Its' like one of those childhood "I want to be a.." things, once you have gotten there, you never really know what to do next.

I realized today that my life has no direction. I think that just made me sound like one of those 30 year old unmarried/divorced women with a mid life crisis who are somehow all gloriously beautiful and can afford long vacations to rich touristy places where they rediscover themselves and all that. Well for good or for worse, I can't do either of that. At most, I can wait for the feeling to pass, sleep it off or (and this is the most difficult of them all) actually try to get direction in to my life.

For a long time now, I was a victim of the rosy notion that the purpose of your life will be revealed to you in a moment of delightful awakening. That, sadly, doesn't happen. I thought that if I give myself enough time, something will strike me, that by some divine stroke of luck, I would find something I am really, really good at. But alas, that hasn't happened as yet and the way I see it, it never will.

So, what do I do now? Again, I don't know and that seems to be the theme of my life right now. As of now, I am going to try and live through this phase of not knowing, heck I might even try to enjoy it if I can. And I really want to say that I will try to make things right, but somehow I just can't muster up the courage to do that.

So much for now. The way I see it, this post is going to be no different from the earlier one- forgotten until someone reminds me again that I happen to have a blog.

The utterings of a sleep deprived mind........

Today was one of those mornings when you wake up with the premonition that it will be a bad day. You wake up alarmed, stare at your cell phone, realize that you are awfully late for class, but still you just keep lying in bed, staring at at the ceiling. At that moment, there is this intense urge to just let go, to laze around in bed for no reason, to give into utter decadence, to go against your better judgement.

But you still wake up, rush through your routine and go through the motions. So, did I. But somewhere there is that lurking feeling that you should have just stayed in bed. And before you know it, you will find a reason to depress yourself.

And then you would want to sleep it off again. But then sleep is a little sadistic bitch. So, once again you will find yourself staring at the ceiling, wanting to silence the shrieking voices inside your head and then you wonder...maybe just maybe you should have chosen the not so rational option right at the morning.

Sometimes, I wonder..where is the need or the obligation to strive for perfection or to achieve anything at all for that matter. Who exactly am i doing it for? Once you leave out the family and friends out of the picture, it becomes a rather desolate existence. And then, I own my life and if I want to let go and be a nobody, what gives anybody the right to chastise me for it..

Just random shrieking voices in my head...Maybe I should try to silence them or on second thoughts should I???